:

People from time to time can just find that certain sarcastic comment to stick it to someone. My husband has raised it to an art form. Actually, it can be quite funny. I’ll never forget the first time he exposed his sarcasm to my immediate family. We all gathered on Thanksgiving to finalize the seating in the church for our wedding. My hyperactive nephew was six years old and his parents, my brother and sister-in-law, were in the wedding party. Where would my nephew be seated? I sat silently as I knew better to offer any suggestions. After all, my brother perpetually views me as a twelve year old. My mother suggested he sit with her. Finally my brother spoke up,

“No, he can sit with Rox’s* parents in the back.” To which my then fiancé interjected matter-of-factly,

“With a Valium.”

Dead silence, except for my outburst of laughter. It was as if they counted to five before laughing. All my brother managed to choke out was a strained smile and fake laughter. Fuckers.

Another typical example of his sarcasm during our train trip to California:

Me:  "Can you move this? I need to get into the suitcase."

Him:  "You won't fit in it."

Most times I feel his smart-ass comments are overtly passive aggressive (if that’s possible).  I mean, what husband’s sarcasm isn’t passive aggressive?  After a while I started to think of what to say when he did this.

When I asked him to get something for me, when I’m sure he wanted to sit on his ass relax, he started the sarcasm.  He sarcastically muttered,

“Anything else?”   I was prepared for him this time. I plainly with a cheerful tone responded,

“Yes, why don’t you put this away.”  He was really starting to get mad, but I didn’t care.  This was going to stop.

“Anything else?” he muttered, clearly eyeing the sharp implements in the kitchen.

“Yes, could you get me a bottle of water?” I was going to take this as far as he kept responding. So, I braced myself for stab wounds I would possibly be receiving shortly.  Instead he turned and mumbled some sort of profanity.  Defeated, he returned and said,

“Here’s your princess water.”

Princess?  Princess water?  What the hell?  All I could do is laugh.  Of course, I had no comeback as I’m mentally challenged in the sarcastic retort department.  Hell, I may be mentally challenged in every retort department for all I know.  All he handed me was this:

Sure it’s special water, not the stuff you can filter with your Brita pitchers. I loved the princess term so much, that it has slowly been applied to other things, such as:

Biggby mocha chill with an extra shot of espresso for added princess factor

   

Hello Kitty bandaids



My Hello Kitty sewing machine



Dark M&Ms which normally wouldn’t be very princessy if it wasn’t for the fact they are dark chocolate.



Pink Breast Cancer Awareness Olfa rotary cutter (cuts fabric for quilting)



Scissors:  I really have way too many different pairs of scissors.  Each has a particular purpose. Yeah, I know it's used for cutting. I get that. But WHAT it cuts is another story.



So, if you see me with my princess purse and princess coffee, you’ll know what they are. I’m such a total princess. Could you buy me this dress?



*not their real name