How I Made it to Forty, I'll Never Know!
I am forty today! Honestly, I tell everyone that I will be partying all day because I never thought I’d live this long. I decided to explain why this birthday is so important to me. I’m taking a deep breath and am just going to say all the crap I’ve had to endure and survived.
As it says in the first two Skeletons, I was abused, and I self injured. What it doesn’t say is the suicide attempt. Since the 6th grade, I planned to kill myself. I just didn’t know how I would do it. I pretty much knew if I didn’t go through with it, that I would be locked up in some mental institution by my parents. I think that was one of the main reasons why I didn’t try. Sure, there’s that thought as I sat at a stop light, that I could just let off the brake and drive into the path of a semi, but that was no guarantee. I’d constantly write my suicide letter, only to shred it, and flush it at school.
The summer before my senior year, I attended a music “camp” of sorts. You had to audition to get in, and it would be a two week intensive camp. I stayed at the local college that was hosting it. One week into it, I realized how much I loved it! I was popular and among peers that were equally as talented. Then I realized in less than a week, I would have to return. Return home to hell. I didn’t like that idea one bit, but I literally had no choice.
The next day, I had quartet rehearsal, and then came an aura. Great, a migraine here far from home in the middle of summer. There was no air conditioning, no way to darken the room, nothing. I wrote on my camp counselor’s chalk board that I had a migraine and would be in my room. I took the medication, and waited. The pain kept getting worse. After the fourth time of throwing up and practically writhing in pain, I’d had it. I picked up my Fiorinal, tipped the bottle toward my mouth and took the entire bottle of pills.
I don’t quite remember what happened next. I remember my floor’s counselor coming in. I also remember mumbling a few things about migraine, and having the male counselor pick me up, and carry me out of the room to his car. I was throwing up by the time they got me to the college’s student health center. I never told them all I took. No one knew as far as I could tell. If they did know, they didn't say anything to me or my parents. I lied to my parents and said the center must have taken the bottle. I couldn’t find it. I was treated for my migraine and released. It was my one and only suicide attempt. Never even had a suicide note for that one.
Spent my entire junior year in high school drunk during school. I swallowed at least a half pint of vodka before getting on the bus and I would be totally drunk until about 4th hour band. I'd sober up somewhere after lunch. My last drink happened when I slammed nearly a pint of vodka and then realized I didn’t remember how I’d gotten to school. I was driving by then. The blackouts scared me. I would lose my memory to entire days of school. I knew I had to stop. My wake up call literally happened at the same time they decided to search lockers. The janitor had removed the alcohol before they got to my locker. He pulled me aside later and said that I was intelligent and shouldn’t be throwing my life away, and if I ever tried shit like that again, he would report me. To this day, most of my junior year of high school is one huge blackout. Want to know the mind fuck about that fact? My grades never fell. I was a consistent A/B+ student. My parents never knew I was drinking. I think my mom blamed the missing alcohol on my dad. Wasn't until my senior year of high school that they got even a hint that I was drinking my junior year, and by then, I'd already quit. Teachers never said anything either. How the fuck they didn't know, was either due to my amazing ability to appear sober and have great balance, or my guess is they knew my parents and didn't want to cause more trouble for me. I do wish I could remember my junior year. I look at that yearbook and draw a blank. Sad. The things I did to cope back then.
I jumped off my house roof at age 16 to sneak out to have sex with my boyfriend. Landed on my ass 15 ft down. Yeah, that was stupid. Got busted a few days later because my boyfriend blabbed to the wrong guy who happened to ask “Hey, how was that fall off the roof the other night?” in front of my parents at a restaurant. When I tried to play it off, the dumb shit kept saying, “No, I heard from J that you jumped off the roof and fell on your ass.” Oh good times. Busted.
Had aseptic meningitis at age 5 (that was a fun 3 weeks in the hospital).
Fulminant Amoebiasis at age 11 (Thanks to grandpa who went to Mexico and made me sick when he came straight back and visited us in Michigan) along with 4 different types of food poisoning. The parasites were burrowing through my stomach and from what I’m told didn’t manage to enter my bloodstream and go to my brain and kill me. Lucky me. Another 2 weeks of fun in hospital isolation.
I’ve been in 2 car accidents: 1983 & 1988. Both times the car I was riding in was totaled.
Dislocated knees a few times in high school track.
Met Dr. Jack Kevorkian in the 90s while at MSU. He was short, intelligent, and I’m glad he didn’t help assist my suicide. Longest half hour of my life.
Have narrowly missed hitting deer, getting hit by semi truck tires that blew, and that one time with the drunk and/or tired semi driver that nearly drove me off the road.
Found out I was treated for the wrong type of migraine for most of my life. The medication I was taking for it should have given me a stroke by age 20, but didn’t. Yay me!
Was hospitalized for migraines 3 times. Each 2-3 week stay they had to start over from scratch.
Three miscarriages.
Had a large ruptured ovarian cyst that hemorrhaged.
Hit by a car on my bicycle in college and dislocated my knee.
Hit by a car on my bicycle in college a year later and broke a thumb and had road rash from hell.
Tackled by a fraternity brother of my then fiancé while playing a game of drunken football in the snow and dislocated my elbow.
Was attacked on MSU campus while walking to my car at night. That guy has a nice broken nose now.
Had a stalker 1994-96 who turned out later to be a fraternity brother.
I have had so many wipe outs I permanently own my own crutches, cane, and finally, walker. Yes, you read it correctly. I have a walker. Go get your own!
Had a reaction to Kell antibodies from my first pregnancy (csection) that is similar to having a Rh negative baby when you’re Rh positive. That was no fun.
Post partum depression and near suicide in 2002.
Had enough surgeries, thank you very much.
Gave myself ten stitches one year after a self injury cut was way too deep. Don’t ask how it was done. You are already cringing knowing I’ve done that to myself.
Survived three rounds of drug withdrawal 3-4 years apart after being physically dependent on prescription narcotics taken at the recommended dose.
Had dangerously high liver enzyme levels. My liver was eating itself. I was not drinking. Turns out a new medication was causing it. It also narrowly caused me to lose my vision. Yeah, I hate that damn drug, and hate the ophthalmologist that didn’t believe me. Took my neurologist to put those pieces together and stop the drug in time.
Nearly lost my left leg to MRSA infection in 2007.
Had a really bad bout of diverticulitis in 2008 which cleared after a week in the hospital and after they said they would have to do surgery to remove bowel. For some reason when threatened with removal of something, my body decides to get better.
Nervous breakdown summer of 2009. Psychotic break I think was what they called it.
Have had arthritis in my hands, fingers, knees, and wrist since age 19.
Fibromyalgia diagnosed the following year.
A variant of migraine with aura since age 9. I can’t even count how many times I was seen in an ER for them before finally getting correct treatment in 1994. I still have them 2-3 times a week, but they’re not as intense as they used to be, and not daily. I’ll take that any day.
Secondary tension headaches, also since 1989. I get my forehead, corrugators, temples, and eyebrows botox every three months. Ten to twelve very painful shots, not covered by insurance.
Sleep disorder (DIMS) which is disordered sleep cycle. I literally don’t go into REM sleep, and I rarely dream. Other stages of sleep also altered or nonexistent.
Nonspecific autoimmune disorder that has hints of lupus, but isn’t lupus; hints of rheumatoid arthritis, but isn't rheumatoid arthritis.
Finally was treated for the major depression disorder I’d had for well over 25 years.
Bone spurs that riddle both feet.
Extruded spinal disk L5-S1.
Scoliosis in two places. My spine is one big fucking S-curve.
Arthritic plaque psoriasis affecting my right wrist.
On the positive side, 2009 was the first year I hadn’t gotten sick or required an emergency room visit or hospital stay.
Things could be much worse. I thank God every day that I am alive. I know damn well some sort of higher power helped me out. Be it God, or guardian angels, I have no idea. I am finally 40 and by God, I’m not wasting one day, one minute, one second more waiting for the other shoe to drop. Each day is a gift. As of 2:56AM January 5th I’m officially 40 years old.
WOO HOO!!! I MADE IT!
Posted by kitterztoo at 1/5/2010 1:21 AM 
Categories: Facets of Me, Skeletons
Tags: depression forty skeletons suicide health problems attempt self injury 2010 migraines fibromyalgia cutting 40 chronic pain birthday celebration illness
Categories: Facets of Me, Skeletons
Tags: depression forty skeletons suicide health problems attempt self injury 2010 migraines fibromyalgia cutting 40 chronic pain birthday celebration illness
Congratulations and Happy Birthday! You have gone through a lot. The English language lacks the grammatical emphasis to make the words "you've gone through a lot" read any different when referring to a long day spent talking to government offices and a life spent fighting internal and external forces trying to kill you. But regardless of English's shortfalls, you have survived a lot and it sounds like you have a great outlook. Living each day to its fullest is about the best way to live. Good luck to you in the coming year!
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Happy Birthday! I think you might actually have more than nine lives ;D
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Wow, you've had some serious trials. Congratulations on being a survivor, and especially on keeping a positive look at the future. Here's to the next 40!
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I'm too damn stubborn to die! LOL! Hell yes I'm going for the next 40! Thanks for your support!
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