Skeleton #5
This particular skeleton reaches back pretty far into my past. It wasn't until recently that I realized I need to address it and move past it. Everyone in their life wants to feel accepted, attractive, wanted, and cared about. I never felt this way at all growing up. I don't even feel this way in my marriage. At this point, I'll do just about anything to feel some sort of intimacy. It's a secret I've kept from many people. At a teen, I would do anything for a guy who said he loved me, or showed me any sort of attention. So what was it? Sex. Any sort of degrading things just so they would stay with me. What happened was they decided to compare notes, and then fuck with my head or physically abuse me. Essentially treating me like shit, and I just took it. I deserved it.
I wrote about a special person that saved me from that in high school. It's on Leslee Horner's blog, Waiting for the Click. His name is Philip, and you can follow him on Twitter @lessdigits. He was a special guy and was my boyfriend for a year. He showed me that I didn't have to do any of those sexual things to keep him. It was never a priority. It was the first time I truly felt genuine love. At times I regret fucking that relationship up. I did learn an important lesson though. I swore I would never let another person treat me poorly again. Philip showed me I deserved more.
In college, I met someone I'd seen before in a visiting band competition. I'd had a crush on him. By the time I realized he was in my dorm, he was 2 years ahead of me as a transfer student, and very shy. Those are the type of people I would pursue, and sure enough, I pursued the crap out of him. It wasn't long before I'd made a move on him which blew him away. The skills reared their ugly head. Sex. Sex acts, outrageous stunts that seem very exciting at the time for the guy. Eventually, I married him. He made me feel special, attractive, sexy, and I loved blowing him away with sexual energy.
Part way through our marriage, I discovered the internet much as everyone else did. I went through a phase of feeling physically flawed and worthless. I didn't even feel loved in the marriage, and partially that was because of the overwhelming depression I was dealing with. I also found sex chat rampant on Compuserve, and I jumped right in. It wasn't in the sense of getting someone else off, but rather curious of what the other person's tastes were, so to speak. I was anonymous. I never used my real name. I never used any pictures. After a year of doing this, I realized I didn't feel any better about myself than when I started, so I stopped and moved on with life.
When I found Twitter, I was excited that I could have actual conversations with people who seemed to like me. I was that funny and attractive person. Sure no one had seen pictures of me, so I felt safe. Then I discovered many others using avatars of their breasts to raise awareness for breast cancer. I was reluctant at first, but I figured it was for a cause that I strongly believed in. I wasn't ready for the attention it brought me nor how I would suddenly feel about it. I suddenly found myself in a pattern of flirting. Seemed harmless enough, and truly it felt amazing to be attractive for once. To have men look at me as something other than the funny fat chick.
Then I became that person. A douchebag. Yes, the person who pursued men, married or not, for sex chat and picture exchange. Holly, @whymomdrinksrum wrote a blog about guys who are like that on her blog, Why Mom Drinks Rum, entitled Dear Pervert McCreepy. It really struck a chord for me. I was that person. I was the one looking for sex or a relationship outside my marriage.Yes indeed I became that person. Did it stop me? No. I did not learn any lessons. I should have.
I'm not here to name the people I was involved with. There is more than one. As one guy put it, "it's a huge ego boost and I got drunk on it quick". He's not the only one. I got off on it, too. Then I realized, I was being lied to. I was promised I was the only one despite repeated questions just to have the guy tell me the truth. I discovered from other women who approached me, that I wasn't the only one. All of the sudden, I saw it for what it really was. A cheap thrill. I was being used as much as I was using the other person. All I wanted was to feel accepted, attractive, sexy, and wanted. I felt wanted. I got off on the other guy getting off because he wanted me. I certainly didn't feel that in my marriage. I tried to work that out, but after my husband gave up on counseling, I decided to pursue men until I found I felt like shit.
I'm still trying to figure out why I did it. I have countless pictures and video from men on twitter. They weren't the only ones. It was a double standard. It was ok for me to do it, but not for them to do it. I am that person...that total douchebag predator. I've succeeded in feeling like trash, used, and ugly. Exactly the way I felt in high school. Now, it's come full circle.
My husband is going to read this tonight, and most likely it will ruin any trust he had of me. I can rationalize it that it was just sex or fulfilling a need I was missing in my marriage. Everyone that follows me on twitter is most likely going to judge me and call me a slut, a tramp, a whore. I may not have ever had sex with these people in real life, and never wanted to, but that's such a small consolation for a huge betrayal. Now people can't see past the sex to the person I really am. I've damaged a reputation what I spent months trying establish.
To the men I pursued, I'm sorry. To the wives of those men, I'm sorry. I'm expecting a huge fallout from it. I don't know how long I'll even keep this post up because I'm horribly embarrassed by my behavior. No, it's not because I have to come clean. I really feel like total shit and worthless. I'm no better than all of the douchebag guys out there who use women and make them feel good about themselves, only to ditch them when the woman shows feelings. I've seemed to have encountered the same thing. I don't know how to heal from this. I feel so creepy, dirty, rejected, and unloved.
I sense it's just the beginning of how bad this is going to get. I'm so sorry. I know you won't believe me when I say I'm genuinely sorry, and I deserve that. There's really nothing more that can be said. I made my bed, and now I have to lie in it...alone.
Posted by kitterztoo at 2/2/2010 6:15 PM 
Categories: Skeletons
Tags: flirting betrayal sex mistakes trust sexual attraction douchebag twitter skeleton
Categories: Skeletons
Tags: flirting betrayal sex mistakes trust sexual attraction douchebag twitter skeleton
I'm not here to judge you, love. I'm here to be your friend. <3 if we were already perfect, we'd have nothing else to learn. Keep your chin up sistah!
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I've said for many years that there are far worse things that can go within a marriage than affairs and that generally there's a two way street involved.
If I may, I think you're figuratively cutting yourself here, sweety. You aren't alone in it and frankly you are looking for an experience that home and family isn't providing.
Take reaponsibility as you are doing, but avoid deciding what you do and do not deserve.
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kitterz...I don't know you too well except through Twitter...but I will tell you this...you are being a little too hard on yourself here. Shit happens online and it is all online...pixels and megabites...no different then every man that looks at porn...and anybody that judges you for it better first be sure they have boarded up their own glass house! I have been that judgemental person...and I have been that person knocked off My high horse...it is no fun. Don't be so hard on yourself sweetie...and dont let others be hard on you about it. You are a great person...and fun as hell! Stop beating yourself up about it! huggs!
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It's not okay to tell you there there, since what you did hurt a lot of people. Lives can be destroyed by people like you and karma will return that. I feel sorry for you Nicole your life is pathetic. I think that you need a lot of proffessional help, please get it, for everyone else sake as well as your own.
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I think to attack Nicole is childish & uncalled for. First off...the cheese doesn't stand alone. It takes two to tango. I seriously doubt anyone did more than they wanted to do. When consensual things go on, that makes more than one person responsible. Secondly, karma is a bitch and will return...be careful anonymous, that you don't invite karma to your head too by being so judgmental...
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I am not being judgmental. There is a difference between judging and having an opinion. Of course it takes two, and those men should also take a good long look at themselves. I think that Nicole was so aware that what she was doing was wrong, yet she did it anyway. It is not okay to tell her otherwise. Condoning it and accepting it really doesn't help her. If you were one of those men's partners, how would you feel? Would you be happy to pat her on the head then? I think it would be only natural to harbor some anger in that situation - or is it okay for you to simply ignore that person who (innocently) was hurt? I think it is important that Nicole is accountable. I am not judging, she made her bed, you cannot expect no anger, be realistic.
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i stand corrected. you aren't judging. however, you're basing your opinion on one side of several stories. And i have been "one of those partners"...just as i've sat where she's sitting. I'm not patting her head. I'm not being unrealistic to say that anger wouldn't be felt, or any other emotion being thrown up here. And the person so (innocently) being hurt...I dont assume there's much innocence in any of it....from either side. Kitterz chose to make her self accountable. I commend her greatly for that. what i don't commend is that unless you are w/o any fault at all, that you be casting stones at anyone...that's all. and plz don't take that as a stone cast to you....you just see the result...you don't see the despair that got any of them where they are....
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That is true, I do only see the result, and I can only go on my own experiences. She has made herself accountable and in doing so there are consequences, and I suppose hearing that she has hurt people is one of those. I certainly don't intend to harp on about it, or continue to make her feel bad - but I DID think there was value in hearing this. I think that she needs to kow there are faces behind the hurt she has caused and it is a very real situation. I am not casting stones, and I am certainly not without fault, all I am saying is, yes, she did fuck up and it hurt people and she needs to get some help to avoid it happening again. That's it. I'm out.
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It is gutless to call names from your anonymous hiding spot.
It seems to me that this blog is Nicole's outlet, and bottom line it is her blog and really, it's about her. This topic she is dealing with this issue,her issue, not the issues of anyone else involved. I believe this is part of her own personal therapy. People DO need to accept it, because it has already happened. To not accept would be the equivilant to putting your fingers in your ears and pretending it hasn't.
Anonymous, if you have been hurt, then you need to figure out how to deal with that in a positive way, instead of spreading your contempt.
Nicole has put herself out there, admitted a fault, and allowed everyone to comment. You state your "opinion" as if it were fact, which is like kicking a person while they are down.
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Thank you FeistyKel. Your IP address kind of gave you away. Anyway, yes I have been in therapy for years. I don't expect to explain my actions as they are up there for everyone to see. I was wrong, I admit that. You only know about my life from what is entered into this blog, just like I only know your life from what I've been told. I don't expect you to understand. Thanks for your opinion.
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I wasn't hiding my name for MY sake... I was aware you would know who I was, via my Australian IP, or my language (e.g. arse). You know, I AM concerned for you, and people DID get hurt through this (and I don't necessarily refer to myself), and I am really lucky that thankfully, what I have, will more than stand up to something as trivial as this. I just wanted you to hear that side. I think you needed that reality check (and yes that was an assumption purely based on what I read here). And again, as I said, I don't intend to go on about it, I'll leave this be, and genuinely wish you well. I don't want to carry negative crap with me from this. I happily close the door on it, I have amazing things ahead to focus on instead, and I am sure that you will find them for yourself someday too. Good luck, and all the best.
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Trust me, I beat myself up more than anyone could do to me. Part of that was instigating a confrontation on Twitter with the desired effect of hurting myself further. Your comments were completely understandable. I hope the others reading can note that I do NOT want retribution against what you've posted.
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The self destructive stuff has to go. The self esteem has to be rebuilt, but not the way you were doing it. Its not easy, I don't meant to trivialise it. But, the track your own only ends in shit for you that makes you feel worse. The cycle won't break unless YOU break it. Power's yours. Use it. Cheers.
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I don't undertand all the back patting here. Here is a woman saying she has behaved deplorably and you're saying it's ok???? Nicole knew what she was doing was wrong and did it anyway rather than seeking the help she deserves.
And I'm sorry Nicole, but telling the world via Twitter that your husband abuses you does not make your despicable actions ok. If you choose to stay in that situation then that is your choice. No need to ruin other people's relationships because yours is shit. Get some help and stop behaving like a whore.
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To the gutless piece of shit posting anonymously. Let he (or she) that is without sin cast the first stone, astride their high horse, from inside their glass house, looking around the mote in their eye while aiming down their long nose and choking on their rose smelling shit...you are right..karma is a bitch...I have learned it the hard way. I once was the judgemental prick...till I got knocked down a notch...then I learned that every time I open my mouth to talk down at somebody else, I am painting a bulls eye on myself. Am I back patting her? Not by any chance...do I think you are a spineless jackass with a pious self righteous bubble that a ton of TNT couldn't blow? Absofuckinglutely!
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Ok, I'm going to close comments in a minute. Yes, I know there are TWO Anonymous posters, but I'm not allowing that last comment to be posted.
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I agree with @OpinionatedGift, I too believe that you are being a bit hard on yourself. I believe that there are many people out there, in similar situations, it may or may not have anything to do with sex, just the common need for positive affection, acceptance, and love.
I applaud you for sticking your neck out there. I hope you won't be judged harshly. Right or wrong is decided by individual perception. (reading your comments is proof) I, like others, know you are a good person, you will take your lumps and move past this.
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First off, nice clean blog and great writing. FIrst time here and I enjoyed your humor and i read this article last. Very eye opening and congrats on your coming clean. All i can say is most men look at porn all the time (me to) and dont even consider cheating, etc. We just like it from time to time. SOunds like you took it to far in your mind but you've come to peace with it. Maybe its because i dont use a picture, but now I am little hurt i havn't been hit on by any twitter ladies. =-)
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WOW R U me? wait am I you? How did u know? Wait,I never told a soul! OMG I totally applaud you and your honesty
GOOD JOB
this is my first time here and I love that you make me feel better, reading your blog its the feelings I am struggling with too. I've been (& am going) through what u are I get what u feel & the good & bad thoughts u have & again THANK U for getting THIS out there. I will never have the courage u do, keep up the awesome work. And know u are NOT ALONE
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