Social Masks
I'd like to think I'm an open book. Realistically, I know I'm not. The only place I am open about who I am is in the virtual world. It got me to thinking how easy it is to be a different persona online. I heard from one person on twitter asking what is truly "real". Honestly, I can see why that person is frustrated. You think you are seeing a person for who they are, but in reality how "real", how genuine are they? They're just words and perhaps a pic you're reading. Are they truly "real"? Everyone every day in some form or another puts on a social mask in the real world.
I see it every day, because I'm one that uses it, too. I put on my proverbial mask every time I leave the house. I use it to hide physical pain, insecurity, and just about every emotion I have. Truly, do people want to see the true emotions and feelings in real life? Sure, but only if they're socially acceptable. Do you talk to people at the grocery store about private things? For example, do you think I'm this open and talking about this blog to people I see every day? No way. If I had a very close friend, I might, but never face to face. I barely could discuss even a fraction of the Skeleton blog entries with my sister let alone someone else.
What is it about instant messaging, Skype, Twitter, and the multitudes of chat rooms online that allow many to drop that facade? I think it's very simple. There's a low element of risk. If people react badly, you can just shut off the computer, and walk away most of the time. That scenario really bothers me. Why? There's no finality. One person just leaves and the other person is left with nothing but a myriad of emotions. Secondly, you can be whomever you want. You can lie, admit deep dark secrets, or develop a bond with people.
That is where I get hung up. I'm genuine online. I have lied only about what I look like. I have portrayed myself to be something physically I am not. I know this. It's so people can get to know the real me until they realize that it does not matter what I weigh, how I dress, or my health status. In real life, I don't get that chance. I have the false belief that everyone I interact with online is just as genuine as I am. Fact is, many are not. It saddens me to see this. I don't want to get to know a character or mask. I want to get to know you. More often than not, I'm disappointed and there's nothing I can do about it.
Twitter is an amazing social network where I can talk to hundreds of people who have similar interests and personalities that intrigue me. When one of them disappears for a while and I know they're struggling emotionally, I private message them. Honestly, I'm genuinely concerned and I do care. When I get no reply, I feel helpless. It's not like I can pick up the phone and call them. I suppose that is the downside of having these friends in my online world. Another downside is when these people fight with me. In real life, I will do anything to avoid conflict. I hate arguing. I hate it with a passion. When the other person ends it with "Fine." and then leaves, I'm sitting there literally frustrated that I couldn't fix the situation because they bailed out of the conversation. It hurts.
Sometimes, you can meet people from your online world. I have only done this once so far. I loved my trip out to California to see Heather who played on Webkinz with me. Sure it's a kid's game, but eventually, we talked on the phone, and got to meet. That meeting will stay etched in my memory forever. She truly is exactly the person she is online. That's a rare find. I'm hoping to meet some more people in August at BlogHer in NYC.
Which leads me to the second problem. People who don't show their pictures online. I'm one of them. That way I can stay totally anonymous in a way. Even if a person figured out where I lived or ran into me on the street, they would never know I'm kitterztoo. Not even parents at my daughters' school can link me to this blog or to Twitter. Think about that next time you're in line at the post office or the grocery store or just in public. I constantly see people and think "If they only knew who I really am." That is my social mask. I hide behind an avatar. I do it because what I say here can really hurt my family. It's perfectly fine in my mind for people to judge me here in my online world, but it's another thing to approach my family and get a stigma because of me. That's the only part of me that is still mine: My identity. You don't like me on Twitter? Unfollow me. Don't like what I write in this blog? Bitch in the comments section. Don't like what I have to say in an IM, tell me! Just remember there is another person on the other end of the conversation. That person is real with real feelings. What feelings that person decides to tell you is based on their online persona or mask.
When I tell you I care about you, I mean it. It's not fake or a white lie. Otherwise I would have never said those words to you. If you choose not to return those feelings, that's out of my control. I can't make you say or do anything. In fact, the best I can hope for is a reply of any sort. You can just walk away, shut off the computer, turn off your phone, or disappear. There's nothing I can do about that. Because of that feeling of helplessness or risk of getting "slapped down" when I voice my opinion, I am finding myself slowly withdrawing the real me online so I don't get hurt. I don't want to do that. I want to keep being genuine. I want to believe everyone else is just as genuine and caring as I am even in real life. Until then, I will see you online and you will know the real me. Don't be afraid to be your true self with me. I'm not here to judge you, but to be your friend from far away.
Posted by kitterztoo at 2/11/2010 11:34 PM 
Categories: Facets of Me, Twitter
Tags: discovery blog impression feelings real online life emotions twitter social mask
Categories: Facets of Me, Twitter
Tags: discovery blog impression feelings real online life emotions twitter social mask
Stopped by because I've been missing you the last couple of days since I've taken my Twitter break. It is interesting that you have written about this b/c I have been thinking about it. For me I am a bit more open online but not completely. My blog is read by friends and family and I'm easy to find on the web, so you know. My husband is super private and after 13 years with him the fact that I'm blogging at all blows me away. I really prefer to be one on one and face to face with people and I'm quiet in general. I have to admit that sometimes on Twitter I feel like I'm at some party trying to think of the right thing to say to be invited into the conversation and it makes me appreciate my real life so much more.
I have had the honor of hanging out with two Twitter friends and I must say that being with them in person definitely proved that in person works better for me...
I hope I get the opportunity to hang out with you in person someday!
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Hey Leslee! I hope to meet you someday, too! I can be outgoing or introverted depending on how I'm feeling that day. I always am nervous when meeting new people, but it seems to be easier in the online world. My husband is private, too, and doesn't understand why I react the way I do to conflict online. He says I could just shut it off and walk away. I think this is where I'm different. I would feel the same way if it were a person I knew in real life. I'm not as social in real life. Sure I go to functions, but I'm never that person who entertains guests, or coordinates a neighborhood social gathering.
I felt the only way to get out the inner private side of my thoughts was to be anonymous. It's not socially acceptable to have a mental illness, or to air "dirty laundry" in public. This blog is as real/genuine as it gets.
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Given what I call myself I guess what I'm going to say should not be surprising. But you came here to express yourself. That always brings risks to it.
In person would be awesome. I'm worried now about my ability to actually register for BlogHer in time given my employment situation. But I'm still a New Yorker, so the meeting part is still the doable.
What I like about twitter is I can talk, or not talk. I can just listen or go away for a bit. I don't have to be there. I don't have to be active. But it also helps me to stay on top of my blog, or rather try to stay on top of my blog.
Like anything else, twitter is a tool. YOU are not. So you don't have to let yourself be treated like one.
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