Anonymity: Not Just for Superheros
Usually the most feedback I get from my Skeletons blog posts is "You're really brave (or courageous). I wish I had your strength, because I couldn't do that." Yes, you could. You could if you were anonymous, and no one knew what you looked like. Sort of like having a secret identity. No one knows my last name, or exactly where I live. The people that do know what I look like from Twitter only see a head shot. No one in my family, so far, knows I have a blog. Only one of my high school friends know about this blog. I have revealed enough to be embarrassed if anyone could link me to this blog. Trust me, I'm no Wonder Woman.
That said, I feel I must explain why I "air my dirty laundry" as it were. My entire childhood no one believed that I was being abused. Also, I was constantly told never to make my parents look bad. If I wasn't perfectly behaved with perfect manners, it would shame my parents. That offense was worse than any of the others. Nothing was swifter than the punishment for making my mom or dad look less than perfect. That meant straight A's in school, including college and excelling in extra curricular activities. I had to win at everything. It was just implied and expected. My life was orchestrated. I was told what I was good at and what to not to pursue. In the process, I lost myself. Or rather, I never really had my own identity. I had what was molded and scripted for me.
In this journey of finding what I want for my life, and what kind of person I want to be, I've discovered the burden of carrying secrets. I don't want to be defined by them. I loathe being that person who has to carefully hide, lie, and cover-up the past. It screams fake. I want to reveal them so it will become easier to talk about it. No one can point fingers at me when they discover a secret skeleton. Most apparent are my scars. Every medical professional asks what they're from. I felt I had to explain or justify myself, when in fact, they clearly knew what it was. Why do I do that? I mean, when I am getting an IV put in my hand, do you really need to know what the scars are from on my wrist? Really? I should just say "It's personal." Nothing is worse than feeling shame for a poor coping mechanism, fueling the cycle over again.
I realized three years ago, that I was not the only one. I wasn't the only person with a past like this. I decided to write about it and release these secrets to the world. Yes, I have explored the consequences with my neuropsychologist. I realize eventually, my children will put the pieces together and learn the truth of this blog. I've prepared what I would say if my extended family found this blog. What I didn't anticipate was the possibility of having my cover blown to a larger audience.
While on Twitter, I realized I wanted to go to a blog convention. I was discussing going to the convention with my good friend, @bbg05 in private. He posed a couple of questions I hadn't considered. How would I feel about meeting people in real life who had read my blog? What about people taking pictures of me? I seriously thought, "Oh shit." People would be able to associate me with my blog that I was going to promote. That didn't panic me as much as the fact people would see me in real life. I have been hiding from my life due to my weight. It's a fact of life people are weight biased. I feel like shit about how I look. Self-loathing seems to be one thing I still need to work on. Revealing a picture of myself, I wouldn't be the sexy persona I felt comfortable with on Twitter. I like that persona. It's me, and it's believable because I feel that way. What isn't on Twitter is my actual picture. The picture of what my body looks like. Sure I briefly mentioned it in Skeleton #1 but chances are most haven't read it. I guess the answer to the question is, I'll have to get over it. I can't control what people do and how they feel about me. I can only deal with myself.
So, I suppose this is another skeleton post even though it doesn't have a number. I'm no superhero. I just want people to know they're not alone in hiding a past. It happened to me, and I'm giving it a voice. In the same vain, I'm going to post a picture of me from 2009 while at the Grand Canyon. It was during a spiritual journey of mine. You will see how heavy I am, but my face will still be blurred. I blur my face to protect my children and husband. Know that I am still the same person. I'm still witty, intelligent, talented, sensual, and caring. Your perception may change based on what I look like, and I can't control that. I guess I'm outing myself. This blog isn't a means to get revenge for all the crap that I've endured growing up. I write because I hope, perhaps, someone else can realize they're not alone, and don't have to be ashamed to seek help. Whether it be self-injury, depression, or victims of abuse, everyone has a voice. It just takes strength to use it.
Posted by kitterztoo at 3/3/2010 9:05 AM 
Categories: Facets of Me, Skeletons
Tags: twitter feelings secrets anonymous brave secret picture reveal
Categories: Facets of Me, Skeletons
Tags: twitter feelings secrets anonymous brave secret picture reveal
I love this post, really. When I began blogging I was completely anonymous. The internet can be a scary place and I wanted to protect my children and my family. I guess the question then becomes...why write on the internet then ? - Well as I'm sure you can attest to there is something cathartic about being able to let it all out and form bonds with the people that read, empathize and/or commiserate.
I like to remain anonymous on my blog because I also work full time and would rather the folks that I work with not know such intimate details about me. That said, I figure one day it's bound to happen and over time I've begun to post pictures on other social media sites. It's still a little scary but I guess what I'm getting at is that the anonymity can really be a wonderful thing.
Thank you for sharing your story. I imagine it's not always easy.
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Beautiful and courageous post, Nicole. I really admire you for doing this.
You are an incredibly warm, kind, and giving person, and anyone who spends any time at all talking to you can see that quite easily.
I think you will find MANY people greeting you with open arms when you meet them in person.
Kudos on taking such a big step in your life journey. You have an important voice.
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You are not your body. You are your heart and your mind. And it is no secret that even those with "perfect" bodies and lives are miserable. We make our happiness. I am so glad you are trying to make yours! Love you!
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You are very couragous, indeed. I was just telling my therapist yesterday that I have no idea who TRACY is. I mean, I know what I'm good at but I have no real sense of self, or self-worth. I am working on both.
Thank you for sharing nicole with us. I'm so glad we've become friends.
Hugs ~ @morethanmama
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I agree with cjaxon. You have to learn to love yourself. Its hard, I still deal with it everyday, but everyday it gets easier. you're brave and I know it took A LOT of courage for you to do this! Don't be ashamed! We all love you for who you are NOT what you look like. And if people do judge you on the way you look, they are shallow and not worth it!
Go to your blog convention and meet and greet everyone with a huge smile and your awesome personality and I think you will be surprised how many people will have open arms for you! =) Big hugs to you and hopefully I get to meet you in NYC!!!
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Nicole,
Kudos to you for having the courage to show the real you. To me, the most beautiful people in this world are those that radiate beauty from the INSIDE. There are plenty of so-called "beautiful" people out there who are actually quite ugly because of their personality & their character. You SHOULD feel sexy & pretty & confident because that is what you are! To overcome all of the traumatic things you have and still be able to hold your head up high is truly amazing! Conratulations on taking another step on your road to discovering yourself!
xoxo
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Nicole,
I find you more amazing each day. You're spirit and soul are larger than life. I'm inpsired by your writing. I wouldn't love you any other way. Thank you for your friendship and love!!
xoxo,
@IHavDefx
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Sweetie, I don't even know you, but I am proud of you. I have a past, and my defense has always been to slap people upside the head with it, ASAP. "Look!" I would say, "This is me! Run! Run away!" Instead of seeking anonymity, I sought shelter in spotlights. We all have our "issues" and we all have plenty to work on. Maybe you and I should meet in the middle, somewhere between hiding and flaunting. Good luck to you on your journey. You are never alone. But I'm sure you knew that.
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you are strong my dear. and every day you get stronger...and you don't even realize that while making strides in your recovery that you're helping others stride right along with you. (like me). i am so blessed to know you...
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I just read this post after reading the previous one and you are a lovely person. Kind, warm, compassionate and caring. You should be proud of yourself for managing to keep those traits in spite of the crap you had to deal with during your childhood.
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Maybe you are not outing yourself, but setting yourself free. I adore you for who you are, not what you look like or sound like or who you are IRL. I just adore you for who you are. And pictures don't change that.
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