Why?
I have asked this question many times over the years. Sometimes it took the form of "Why me?" and other times it was just plain old "Why?" Today I was reminded of my two year stint as a hospice aide. I have been following the story of Layla Grace on Twitter and on their site for a few weeks. Each time I'd read it, I think "Why?" Why did such a beautiful little girl have to be saddled with stage 4 neuroblastoma? Why do children get cancer? Why can't there be anything done to fix it? Why am I alive and she is not?
I know none of these questions have a definitive answer. All I can do is cry for a child that isn't mine. I mourn for the parents, as I have only been witness to those who have lost children. It breaks my heart. I am so frustrated that these things happen to people. Who do I have to ask to get answers?
I know realistically the risk factors, genetics, environment, and predisposition of acquiring any number of things that can cause premature death. The scientist side of me knows this, but my heart bleeds for those who have to experience it. I saw it every day while I was working in college. I would pray to take the suffering away, and would cry at night after work for their struggle toward the end. All I could do was dig within myself and find the strength for those families. I did what I could. In my mind it never seemed enough. I always wanted to do more.
Right before my wedding in 1992, my future father-in-law was diagnosed with cancer. It was never determined where it originated. By the time he was diagnosed, it had spread throughout his lungs. It wasn't caught early. There wasn't much that could be done. I was so angry that such a caring, loving, quiet man would eventually succumb to cancer. My husband was an only child, and very close to his father. I had to be the strong one.
When he came home for hospice care, I spent many hours just sitting in the living room cross-stitching. He would wake up and occasionally talk to me and shared with me memories of his life. Life events with his son, as a family, and his wishes for the future. I couldn't let him know I knew the end was near. I remained strong, loving, caring, for him and my husband. Inside I was angry that I would only have a month with him. He would never see the children I would later have. He was the father I always wanted, and longed for. As the end neared, I prepared my husband in the only way I knew how. "Don't ever let things be left unsaid. Say them all, good or bad. Never leave your life with 'what ifs' or 'if only I had'."
When I got the phone call in the middle of the night at college that he had just died, I felt like a zombie. I had to tell my husband and call the priest to go to my mother-in-law's house until I could make it there. I had to find strength in which to comfort a mother-in-law that had never lived on her own, and a husband who never experienced loss before. Shortly thereafter, I had dreams of my father-in-law. It was like he was trying to tell me something in them, but the message was never clear. My husband and I started finding coins everywhere. They were always in twos. Not just one penny, but two. We referred to them as pennies from heaven.
When our daughters were born, we told them about the grandfather that would have loved them dearly if he were alive. They, too, started finding coins on the ground. We referred to them as "Pennies from Grandpa". It was the only way to keep his spirit alive. He will have been gone 17 years this June, but it feels like yesterday. He truly was the father I always wanted, and I miss him terribly.
So I ask why? Why do these things happen? It's not fair. Beautiful children and amazing adults shouldn't have to suffer and die. I know this is the cycle of life, but why? Why them? Why this way? All I can do is gather up my girls to kiss and hug them. I am truly blessed. My heart breaks for Layla Grace's family dealing with the loss of their child, their sister, their granddaughter. May you find peace.
If you wish to donate to Layla Grace's family to cover her medical expenses, please go to their website at http://laylagrace.org/
Posted by kitterztoo at 3/9/2010 8:10 PM 
Categories: uncategorized
Tags: why FIL hospice death sadness father in law Layla Grace
Categories: uncategorized
Tags: why FIL hospice death sadness father in law Layla Grace
This moved me to tears again. That one word "why" is so big and full of mystery. Layla Grace moved us all. Her death brought out the best in all of us. I love you!
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It is so hard to not ask why. So hard to in our minds to blend scientific reality to our bleeding, pained hearts. It's just so hard.
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Just had to re-read this amazing tribute to Layla Grace. On the way home from my daughter's school this moring, I threw down two pennies for another child to find and maybe, just maybe think they were a gift from up above. Thank you for being my friend! ~ Jenny
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What a beautiful post.
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