Trust
I've been thinking a lot about trust. Why do I trust people easily at some times, and yet at other times, I can't trust them at all? Once the trust is broken by the other person, how do I heal the situation and not be vindictive? Am I too naive at times, trusting too easily? I've really been struggling with those questions recently.
I usually have intuition and can tell when someone or something "just doesn't seem right". You know that nagging uneasy sensation you feel when someone's just not quite "right"? They're "off" somehow, and you can just tell you need to distance yourself from them. When I meet people for the first time, 9 times out of 10, I can tell whether the person is going to be trouble for me or not. I limit the information I reveal based on that.
For example, I met a man at a wedding who was involved with a group my husband belongs to in his free time. All that was done was introductions, and mild pleasantries. After he left, I turned to my husband and said, "That guy is trouble. You don't want him on the board of directors. Trust me." Did he trust me? No. Did they put him on the board of directors? Yes. Now they can't get rid of him and it almost has been the downfall of the organization as a result. I warned him. Yet, my husband didn't trust me enough to at least consider what I'd said. Turns out I wasn't the only one who didn't feel right about that guy being part of the decision making team of that group. I was just the only one who spoke up.
I trust my physicians to have my best interest in mind when they treat me. I don't consider them infallible though. I do my research, too. I just have to. I also trust my daughters' school to keep them safe when they're at school. I trust the teacher to be kind while teaching. I trust my stunt mom (aka sister) to drive safely when the girls are in the car with her. I trust the school bus driver to get my girls to school safely. Yet with all of that trust, I'm stuck, mired in the trust I can't give.
I don't trust people with my feelings. I constantly think I will either be judged, or have them used against me. The only exception of this is my neuropsychologist. That didn't come easy in the beginning. I've lost trust in my husband. I know it shouldn't be absolute, and I should keep an open mind, but the damage is like a wound that just hasn't scarred yet. It's as if, just as it starts to heal, he rips the scab off and cuts deeper. I don't know how to feel trust in him now. There's only so many times I can be burned over and over and not think, "Fuck this. He doesn't deserve my feelings." I know being bitter doesn't help heal a relationship. I also know I don't deserve to be treated that way, no matter what. Honestly, I've given up trying.
I know I have self-worth, and self-esteem problems. I know it because I get reminded of that fact constantly with my own thoughts. I just seem to not believe the proof to the contrary regarding my negative thinking. I had a friend recently say to me, "I think it should tell you something about yourself, that maybe you didn't realize. That maybe you are worth being loved, just as you are. Maybe you needed to know that." I want to believe it. I want to trust that feeling. I want to believe I'm worthy of being loved. I want to trust the person who says they love me. I want to trust it isn't just a token phrase to placate me.
I want to believe the people I encounter online as friends are telling me the truth. I really want to trust them. No body language, no tonal inflections of their voice, nothing to give me that clue I need so desperately to separate the proverbial wheat from the chaff. I'm not so stupid that I don't realize people deceive all the time. Yet I long for a connection with people. It's terribly lonely at times not having anyone with my same interests to talk to. No one to really laugh with other than my children. I know I need to get out more and meet new people. What stops me is the constant pervasive thought:
"If people knew the real me, they wouldn't like me." If that wasn't enough, I would wish people got to know me before they made judgment based on my weight. It's a strange internal dialog of Hades going on with me all the while I struggle with trusting a person enough to know me.
I stepped out of the shadows to try and trust people more with how I feel. It's excruciatingly painful being this vulnerable. It's draining to force myself to do this. It seems so damn foreign. I still work at it, because I'm hoping the more I'm vulnerable, the easier it will be. Many people trust me with their inner secrets and struggles, yet I don't trust many with my feelings. This blog contains my secrets, but they don't contain my intimate feelings to an extent. It's just parts of me that I choose to show. Trust is something I want to do so much, but I've spent my whole life learning to do the opposite. It's been proven over and over again throughout my life, that trusting people with my innermost feelings, dreams, and desires just results in pain, disappointment, and disillusionment.
I don't have the answers. For once I have no wonderful insight. I am afraid to trust people with the "real me". It's all I have left, and I guard it for all it's worth.
Posted by kitterztoo at 3/30/2010 4:45 AM 
Categories: Facets of Me
Tags: emotional blog struggles feelings trust honesty emotions fear
Categories: Facets of Me
Tags: emotional blog struggles feelings trust honesty emotions fear
Seems like this is where you start the trust in yourself. Step by Step.
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It's going to be difficult to make this part of the journey of healing. It's the hardest part, I think. I know it's a habit that has been so pervasive my entire life. Wall off emotions, feelings, parts of myself to protect what little I considered my own.
I thank you for your thoughts!
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It's really hard to trust when you've been burned badly. I have similar issues and it's something I struggle with all the time. I want to let people in but I push them away at the same time. I wish I had good answers but it's hard, this process. Baby steps. Painful, baby steps.
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