Lose the Battle, Win the War: Part 2
I can either sit here stuck or I can try to make something of myself. I can sit here like a victim and be paralyzed the rest of my life and just take it, or I can fight to allow myself to become something. I can continue to beat myself up and keep the labels my self-loathing and husband give me. What example would that set for my girls who are supposed to learn how to be secure, strong women? I can't allow myself to just literally kill everything that is inside me, essentially committing emotional suicide. They're going to see it and then repeat it. The cycle must stop with me. I know the girls will learn by example. What I do from now on will not only affect me, but also the girls.
So I made a list of what I wanted to do with my life. Suddenly, I sat back and started to cry. I grieved over the wasted years not knowing who I was or what I wanted in life. I'm not talking about the few years at the beginning of college. I'm talking years and years of being stuck. Trying to create an identity that just feels right is difficult. I know I'm gifted with the ability to do many different things. Just thinking of the myriad of options causes me to freeze. I'm overwhelmed and confused where to begin. So, I just started somewhere. I began to dream a little; just like I did when I was a little girl living in the woods while laying on the ground staring up at the stars.
I joined an athletic club with an awesome pool. There are so many different things I love about this place, but it will require time before I can use all it has to offer. It's one step toward losing weight. I'm in an exercise swimming class three times a week. It's the only exercise I can do for a while.
I want to go back to college for a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Textiles. I clearly have a love for fiber, cloth, yarn, thread any every variation thereof. I know the college I want to attend, but I've maxed out all of my student loans. It's also across the state at Eastern Michigan University. Many hours are required in the studio to fulfill requirements. I'd need to stay over near the university and then commute back on the weekends. It's a bold move to make It'll be new for me, and once again I'd have to make it alone.
I need a job. I may not be able to work full time given my physical limitations. Thanks to Jeff (@bbg05 on twitter), he gave me an idea to do medical transcription at home. I clearly am medically knowledgeable, so it's not inconceivable that I could do it.
CREATE! Make something, damn it! I have been frozen and not creating as a way of punishing myself. I was so depressed, I couldn't find my way out. The next excuse was, my studio is a mess. Well, I'm going to get that rectified. In the meantime, I've taken classes in natural indigo dyeing, and my ongoing floor loom weaving.
I'm not going to silence my opinion, and I'm going to fight back. I've already started living as if R wasn't my husband. I'm exploring my dreams, stretching my boundaries. Strangely enough, R has been supportive. He has paid, willingly, for my art classes and for my travel expenses to go to BlogHer in August.
Now I have goals. I have a life that I want to live! I just have to go out and fight for it...without him.
Posted by kitterztoo at 5/4/2010 7:11 PM 
Categories: Facets of Me, Family
Tags: career plans blog art loss college despair life 2010 sadness emotions divorce dream trapped husband
Categories: Facets of Me, Family
Tags: career plans blog art loss college despair life 2010 sadness emotions divorce dream trapped husband
Your marriage sounds so much like my own. I haven't totally given up and headed for the lawyer, but it is not inconceivable.
Your goals and your drive to accomplish them is impressive. I am cheering for you ... and taking notes! More than you and your girls will benefit from this!
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It sounds like you are making the right strides towards freedom. The hardest part can be stepping away from his opinion of you and what he fed you and forming your own. Do not take what he says as gospel and DO NOT be afraid to take the final step if need be. Trust me, I just did and I can't tell you how amazing life is when lived on my terms, not his. You are an incredible woman who does not need to find her worth in his words or acceptance. He may give it for a time, but do not give him the power to take that away from you. YOUR acceptance of yourself is the most precious gift you can bestow upon your life and your girls.
I spent over 12 years with someone who was abusive in every single category and he was GOOD at isolating me and making me feel worthless. I realized several years ago I needed to get away from him and it took a lot to be able to find the strength and ability to do so. I have wasted many a night kicking myself for being an idiot and weak, but the important thing is I did the right thing. I fought to stand on my own and made it. There is nothing like that first breath of freedom. I let him hold me under the waves for years, and I'll be damned if I'll ever let that happen again. If you need someone to talk to, you can find me on Twitter (@werecat1). Hang in there and never doubt your beauty or your power.
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