Change
Change isn't easy, even for those who love it. First, one has to figure out what you want changed, or what change you want in your life. As a small child, I was pretty much lauded for being independent and having no fear. Fact is, I wanted to please my parents. My parents sent me to go get coffee and danishes by myself a block away from our hotel while we were on vacation. I was four years old. When I was ten years old, I nearly got mugged by another child trying to steal money that was given to me to get ice cream during a parade/festival. I was able to handle myself. Somewhere in my life, I lost that confidence. I want it back.
The only way to get that back is to push myself. I know change is always uncomfortable for me, but sometimes it's in a good way. I'm preparing to leave shortly for New York City by myself by Amtrak. The last time I was by myself traveling was three years ago going to Texas for my treatment for self-injury. As scary as that was, I knew there would be someone waiting for me when I got off the train. I had a back-up plan and was prepared if something happened. This trip is different. I'm going to a major city by myself from a somewhat sedate suburbia. I'm terrified in an exhilarated way. There will be no one to greet me. No one to guide me where to go. I will have to get a cab all by myself. I will be alone for once in my life.
If that wasn't scary enough, I'm going to a conference where there will be at least 2,500 attendees. I may only know of one or two people that are going that are from Twitter. I have no friends in real life. No night outs with the girls, nothing. All of my friends are virtual, and it's safe. I don't have to leave the house, I don't have to worry about what people will think of my appearance, and I certainly can walk away whenever I choose. Don't get me wrong, I'm the person I portray on Twitter. I'm not a persona, or a character of the person I wish to be. I'm genuine. And here's the but... But people won't see that at first. They'll see the 300lbs first, the country mouse, the non-fashion model. Here's where change is key. I have to pretend they don't care about that. I have to try and tell myself over and over that people will see me for who I am, and if others are that shallow, I don't need them in my life.
So, as I zip my suitcase, I'm proud that I'm making this huge step toward change. I'm learning to be social again. I'm starting to figure myself out. It's a long ways from having my entire life orchestrated by others. I know this is going to be terrifying, but others are telling me I'm going to have the time of my life. Secretly, I believe them. I'm proud that I'm going to step outside my comfort zone and travel by myself. I will finally prove to myself that I matter. I can do what I want. I can make mistakes by myself and I will be able to handle it.
I'm flying without a net. Watch me soar...
Posted by kitterztoo at 8/3/2010 2:02 PM 
Categories: Discovery, Twitter, Travel
Tags: change blog explore uncomfortable feelings train New York NYC blogher10 travel
Categories: Discovery, Twitter, Travel
Tags: change blog explore uncomfortable feelings train New York NYC blogher10 travel
You want to know the big secret of BlogHer? Everyone is a geek. Everyone hides behind the comfort of their computer, allowing in who they want. I would venture to guess that 99.9% of the people going to BlogHer are pretty terrified right now. I am.
I'm a small city mouse with outdated clothes, no hair style to speak of and a lot of extra weight and I don't really care. I'm going to meet people, to learn things and to have a great time. I definitely want to hang out with you while I'm there. It will be a blast.
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I hope you soared and glided across the NY skyline! Good for you, brave lady!
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