KITTERZTOO.COM: A Silent Goodbye

kitterztoo

A Silent Goodbye

An open letter written in late November to my friend. I debated posting this as it is personal. The person in question knows it's being posted, and with their permission. Like most skeletons in my closet, this one needs releasing. Goodbye...

November 17th was the last time you mentioned loving me. I replay a video of your voice several times a day because I miss you terribly. I hoped you could continue to accept me. I hoped you would choose me. I hoped when you said you loved me it meant something other than the afterthought of an orgasmic rush.

I am in emotional pain every waking minute of the day. Longing for you. Knowing you will never be here. When I dream it's of the despair of losing you. I cry out to the sky and beg to have the pain stop and have you return to me.

I know that will never happen. My anguish is knowing that. Feeling how genuine you were and then now having nothing at all. Fucking up a friendship I so desperately wanted. I am left standing in the same exact position where we met. Where you consoled me. Now, there is no you. No charming you. No tender, caring you to console me in my pain. Only silence. Heart-wrenching silence.

I hate being alone. I hate knowing how happy I was and that I may never feel that way again. I wonder if I am so easily forgotten. Do you ever cry like I do every night and every morning? Knowing I'll never get "Good morning beautiful lady" as a text when I wake, followed by your wonderful emails is now torture.

Hearing the silence after four months is more than I can bear. I am struggling with living without you. I see things I can no longer share. I imagine your voice and miss its soothing comfort telling me it will be OK. It's not OK. I'm not OK. I don't think I'll ever be OK.

You chose a life without me, and I can't help but think I was a toy to make you feel better. A willing participant. Now, I have nothing. I have pictures of a face I wanted to touch. Lips that I so desperately wanted to kiss. A voice that isn't really you...but a memory I once had and cherish. I wish I could hear you say hello and wish me a good night just one more time.

Your conscience must be clear by now, but my pain lives on, and each passing day becomes more and more unbearable. I feel like you died and I didn't get to hold you. My life feels empty, and I haven't figured out how to move on.

I erased your phone number and address. I was afraid I'd try to contact you. Lose my nerve and do what is unforgivable and unwanted. I'd silently hoped you would still text me, call me, say you needed me, but you don't and never will.

How I fucked this up, I'll never quite know. I never asked you to love me and now you don't. Because the last time you said you loved me was November 17th.

And then... No more.